Winter Dream

I want to be warm again. The winter is so long, so dark and so cold. I want to feel the heat of the sun slowly baking into my body, re-energizing me. I want to see the sun shining brightly, making people smile again. I want to walk out the door without 4 layers of clothes, not having to scrunch my self into my coat to hide from the bitterness of winter.

I don't hate winter, I just wish it was shorter. Snow is pretty. It's picturesque. Winter helps us to appreciate the rebirth that happens every spring. We live in a constant, ever changing work of art. No canvas could ever reproduce the beauty that the changing of the seasons presents us with each year. I would love it if I could be snuggled up on a soft rug, in front of a roaring fire with a nice glass of red wine. I would welcome the cold if I could even occasionally be wrapped up in you. Held close by your strong arms. Laying my head on your chest, absorbing your wonderful clean smells, feeling the softness of your hair, the tenderness of your lips, just letting the world go by, even for just a short time .

Valentines Day... the saddest day of the year

Why is it that the "most romantic" day of the year always hurts the most?
If you have someone that you adore there's the pressure of doing it up right.
If you don't then you're singled out for being "alone".
A bad one is when you have "someone" in your life but not the right someone, or at least not the someone that you want.
I think the saddest scenario is that you have someone in your life that adores you and unfortunately you don't feel the same.
But you're way too much of a coward to do anything about it.

Nite Time

It's dark outside, but it's a winter dark. Cold, crisp and silvery. The street lights seem blue'er, the blackness of the night is deeper and the stars are vibrant and silver. Not many cars because it's late, around 1am I think. I'm thankful that you've offered to drive because I certainly wouldn't. My senses seem heightened tonight. I can feel the pavement under my feet, feel the crunching of the granules of road salt. Every sound is intensified, not louder just clearer. The entire evening is electric.

We pile into the car. Three in the back. I'm up front in the passenger seat (again,not driving). Everyone's body scents are mingling. Different perfumes, colognes, fresh soapy smells, faint musky left over alcohol smells. It sends the senses reeling. The car starts, you pull out of the parking spot and out to the roadway. I can't believe how vibrant the night is. Familiar and boring streets are now animated. Neon signs have come to life. Halo's shine around the stars and the glass store fronts are metallic.

We slice through traffic, passing some cars, not quite catching up to others. Merge right and onto the highway. Now the fun is beginning. There are conversations all around me. In the back seat the three of them are chatting about something. I can't really hear it. Up front you're talking to me and I know I'm replying to you but inside I'm just trying to behave and to speak in no nonsense non-comedic sentences. I'm attempting to not let anyone know just how much I've had to drink tonight and how hard it has hit me. Very little food, lots of alcohol, and almost no sleep makes for interesting banter. The white lights of the oncoming traffic are flying past the red tail lights of the cars in front of us. It creates a very surreal thrill ride effect, kind like the ultimate amusement park. Still, I know where we are and where we're going. Funny, I'm even able to direct you to the first drop off because the back seat is a flurry of verbal banter and they're just not paying attention. Drop off number one is done. Now it's off to stop number two. Again, I'm somehow coherent enough to give directions. We wind our way through the neighbourhood and out onto the main streets, then you know where you are again and take over with navigation. Back on the ride for me. I snuggle down a little deeper into the seat leaning back relishing the warmth of my heavy coat, feeling safe and secure and completely the enjoying the motion of the car and the momentum of the passing sights. The two in the back seat are now quietly enjoying each other, whispering, laughing softly.

This has definitely been an interesting night.

The Beginning of the End of Me, is this my downward spiral?

A bucket of darkness and a barrel full of sad. It seems is as if these are both being emptied from above. Washing over me, their intensity and heaviness starting at the top of my body flowing down to my feet. Dragging me lower, weighting my limbs and pulling me down. Down to the bottom of despair.

I have been a fool. My heart is breaking, my dignity shattered, confidence erased and my soul is crushed. I am barely breathing.

Tired

I wrote this in the early Fall and only just relocated it. I have a habit of starting blogs and losing the sign in info. I relocated it today and think it's pretty fitting, so here ya go

I'm tired

Tired of people telling me what to do and when to do it and why I should do it or shouldn't
I'm tired of being taken advantage of
Tired of being disregarded
Tired of being undervalued
I'm tired of working all the damn time
Tired of having nothing to do even if I did have some time off
Tired of losing my little ones to strangers, just hoping they'll give them good homes
Tired of assholes who take animals and drop them off at the park because they're tired of them and figure that they're animals they'll be fine. No they won't IDIOTS, they will end up on my doorstep, probably pregnant and I will have a new batch of babies that I have to find loving families for.
I am tired of my kids Dad not giving a shit about them anymore
Tired of having to be both parents
Tired of getting to bed late every gd night
Tired of never getting to take an actual lunch break at the day job
Tired of bullshit and drama and torment
Tired of being everyone's last choice
Tired of being such a goody goody all the time
Mostly I'm JUST TIRED..................................

Nice To Death

Okay so this is it. I think I'm actually "nicing" myself to death. I'm being nice to everyone and anyone because that's the way I am. I really do believe that even the worst person has to have at least one grain of decent in them and I like to believe it will surface someday. But it's haunting me. Some of the people I called my friends, (hell I considered them to be almost family) are stabbing me in the back. Lipping off to anyone who will listen. It's slander and it hurts. When I heard what was being said I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stomped all over it.

Last night I had a shift at ACC. I felt like a leper. I've done nothing but treat everyone with respect so I don't get it. I didn't ask for this promotion and was told that if I didn't take it the previous person would not be getting it back. I feel awful. I feel empty. I feel hollow and hopeless. I am exhausted, overworked, overwhelmed and deliriously unhappy. Thanks ladies.

I guess I just have to go against what is my core nature and stop being nice. Stop worrying if people are cold, or need breaks or if there's any issues that I can help with. I should stop trying to sort out deployment according to people strengths or trying to keep people apart if they don't quite mesh. I'm sorry if I try to make the work environment a pleasant place and try to make people happy to be there. Sorry if I'm a "shitty supervisor". Funny this is the first year anyone has said they were sad the Royal was over.

So this is why I'm "nicing" myself to death. Being good is detrimental to one's health. I am now having chest pains and dizzy spells because I happen to give a shit about everyone all the damn time. I guess I have to say to everyone "fuck you", I don't care, do it because I said so.

"truthfully, I don't think it'll work................................................ "

Be Careful

It is true, be careful what you wish for….. Hero worship should be left as exactly that, “worship”, and carried out from afar. Fantasies should be left alone. Truth is, the reality is never as good as what you fantasize (or rarely).