Nice To Death

Okay so this is it. I think I'm actually "nicing" myself to death. I'm being nice to everyone and anyone because that's the way I am. I really do believe that even the worst person has to have at least one grain of decent in them and I like to believe it will surface someday. But it's haunting me. Some of the people I called my friends, (hell I considered them to be almost family) are stabbing me in the back. Lipping off to anyone who will listen. It's slander and it hurts. When I heard what was being said I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stomped all over it.

Last night I had a shift at ACC. I felt like a leper. I've done nothing but treat everyone with respect so I don't get it. I didn't ask for this promotion and was told that if I didn't take it the previous person would not be getting it back. I feel awful. I feel empty. I feel hollow and hopeless. I am exhausted, overworked, overwhelmed and deliriously unhappy. Thanks ladies.

I guess I just have to go against what is my core nature and stop being nice. Stop worrying if people are cold, or need breaks or if there's any issues that I can help with. I should stop trying to sort out deployment according to people strengths or trying to keep people apart if they don't quite mesh. I'm sorry if I try to make the work environment a pleasant place and try to make people happy to be there. Sorry if I'm a "shitty supervisor". Funny this is the first year anyone has said they were sad the Royal was over.

So this is why I'm "nicing" myself to death. Being good is detrimental to one's health. I am now having chest pains and dizzy spells because I happen to give a shit about everyone all the damn time. I guess I have to say to everyone "fuck you", I don't care, do it because I said so.

"truthfully, I don't think it'll work................................................ "